So I guess this is our new destiny: a connection fated to walk in parallel lines, never touching.
MK Ireland #269 : intersection
From probably around the time I was 7 or 8, I could sense something was off with me. I spent years struggling with depression, before I even knew what it was, and the years 12-17 were the darkest for me. So many days I woke up, and questioned why. So many days I wished everything would end. So many days I suffered, and could not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I still cannot completely say what it is that brought me out of this time, but I know what’s keeping me out and I know I won’t go back. For the majority of my life I could not have told you what true happiness felt like, and today there are days when I will cry because of the sheer joy of being alive. When I was 16, my youngest sister was born and she has been a light unto my life since. She broke through, she made me feel. I look at her and I am overcome with gratitude, I thank God for her everyday and bringing me salvation. She’s quite literally my sunshine. She brought me from the darkest parts of my life and made me finally want to stay, if for nothing else than to watch her grow. She is the purest thing I have ever seen and she cleansed me. Depression was not easy, is not easy. It was not easy to live through, to live with, to comprehend, and to overcome. But she was my turning page. Had she not been born, I cannot say where I would be today, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Today I can say that I am the happiest I have ever been. 2017 brought me some of the worst experiences of my life, but it brought me the best also. I fell in love with my life that year. I looked around me at all my friends and, for once, I could feel the happiness, the joy. And since, it has only gotten better. I appreciate the people in life so much, the experiences in my life so much, the feelings, because I know what it is to live without them. To feel alone and cold and empty. I cannot say that I am grateful for what I went through, but I am grateful for where it brought me to today. I know now that there is power in positive thinking. Your mind controls much of what happens to you. I’ve learned to focus on the good, to water it and let it multiply. What grows is what you feed. I had to release all negativity and toxicity from my life to get better, and I continue to everyday. Happiness is not something given to us, you have to work for it. But the reward is worth the effort. I’ve got in close with God and close with myself, I’ve learned us both, and I no longer doubt if I’m doing the “right thing” or who I’m pleasing or if a + b will lead me to c. This Universe is ALWAYS working for you, never against you. Trust in it. Everything works out in your best interest, as long as you feed into your best thoughts. The power of positivity is real. Manifestation is real. The Secret to life is that what you get, is what you give, and that law is true whether you realize it or not, whether you believe it or not. So believe in it, and watch your life change, for the better. Because of everything I’ve mentioned, I can now say that I know I will never have to face that struggle with depression again. Because I believe I am bigger than it, I believe I have overcame it, so it is true. Depression is not easy, and I will never say it is, but it is that simple. It cannot have power over you, unless you let it. Quit feeding the beast, and start feeding beauty.
*All this to say, I do still face very trying, rough days. I still breakdown, I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. But I know one day is not forever, and the pains I feel today do not have to affect my tomorrow. November 2017 was quite possibly the worst month of my life. I was raped. And barely a week later, I lost my grandfather. I thought that pain would destroy me, but I didn’t let it. As someone who faced years of depression, I thought I would fall back into it. But the one good thing about suffering through depression, is that you realize you never want to feel that way again, and you have the tools to fight it. I did not want depression to have power over me, and I did not want my abuser to have power over me. So they didn’t. I fought, and I won.
April 18, 2018- 4:30am EST
MK Ireland #258 : …me- my past and present…
I’ve got that excited, nervous feeling you experience when you fall in love for the first time and I thought it was something I’d never experience again. I’m not a nervous person, ask anyone. But then I’m talking to you and…I falter…my stomach flutters. I feel like I’m 15 again and don’t know what to say. It’s silly but it’s exciting. I feel young again, full of life. I’m nervous and it’s terrifying, but it’s empowering because I can still feel that. I can feel it again. It’s something I’ll never lose. If I’ve learned anything in my past 19 years, it’s that there are so many things in this world that will light your soul on fire, that will make you feel alive. Don’t settle for any less than that. Don’t settle for mediocre love, you deserve something passionate and wild, you deserve to feel that adrenaline. If you don’t have it yet, keep searching.
MK Ireland #257 : adrenaline