platypusisnotonfire

don't confuse me with a grown up. im a child without adult supervision.

yoko-kurama-the-sex-god:

I feel personally attacked

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urocyonfox:

alexanders-archives:

pr1nceshawn:

The Best ATM Withdrawal Defense

I’m here for women with powerful dogs!

My land lady is a 90lb 88 year old woman with 5 full grown Rottweiler boys. They sit around her when she gardens and watch her like the secret service. If you show up to pay rent they all stand up and stand between you and her.

It’s intimidating to have 5 pony size boys all staring at you until she stands up realizes it’a you and walks to you.

My favorite part is she wades through them like swamp water saying in her cute old voice ‘move’ ‘move please’ and each one she nudges to move wags his whole body at her touch and stumbles out of the way like he’s been knocked over by a truck. It gives me life paying my rent.

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ironarm:

tony stark + evolution
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bokkle:

headjudgelen:

fizzylimon:

doodlesanddandelions:

allthingslinguistic:

ladysparklefists:

idk I just love how we Young People Today use ~improper~ punctuation/grammar in actually really defined ways to express tone without having to explicitly state tone like that’s just really fucking cool, like

no    =    “No,” she said. 

no.    =    "No,” she said sharply.

No    =    “No,” she stated firmly.

No.    =    “No,” she snapped.

NO    =    “No!” she shouted.

noooooo    =    “No,” she moaned.

no~    =    “No,” she said with a drawn-out sing-song.

~no~    =    “No,” she drawled sarcastically.

NOOOOO    =    “No!” she screamed dramatically.

no?!    =    “No,” she said incredulously.

I’ve been calling this “typographical nuance” and I have a few more to add: 

*no* = “No,” she said emphatically. 

*nopes on out of here* = “No,” she said of herself in the third person, with a touch of humorous emphasis.

~*~noooo~*~ = “No,” she moaned in stylized pseudo-desperation.

#no = “No,” she added as a side comment.

“no” = “No,” she scare-quoted.

wtf are you kidding no = “No,” she said flatly. “And I can’t believe I have to say this.”

no no No No NO NO NO NO = "No,” she repeated over and over again, growing louder and more emphatic. 

nooOOOO = “No,” she said, starting out quietly and turning into a scream.

*no = “Oops, I meant ‘no,’” she corrected, “Sorry for the typo in my previous message.”

I cannot express how strongly I absolutely love language and writing and communication but if anyone asks why I will be showing them this post from now on

this is great, but I got to “no no No No NO NO NO NO” and immediately started singing “mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia let me go”

no no no nO (no no no)= “No,” she said, sticking to the status quo

No no, n-no no, n-no no, n-n = “no, there isn’t any limits.”

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shesnake:

Lucy Liu directing various episodes of Elementary between 2013 and 2018.

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justpidgance:

mydaroga:

obi-wanakin:

I think one of my favorite stories I’ve ever heard Mark Hamill tell is the one about how the first time he heard the score for A New Hope he got sort of jokingly offended because it seemed like every other character had a specific song for them and he didn’t and John Williams just looked at him and said “…The main theme is your song” and Mark was like “WHAT OMG” like he didn’t actually understand before that moment that he was the protagonist.

And this, from a recent interview:

Plus, since Harrison was a traditional leading man, and I hadn’t read the screenplay, I thought he was the star of the film, and that I was Bucky to his Captain America, that I was the kid sidekick. Because in the screen test that we did, I was kind of annoying and he was so cool. But I’ll never forget, I remember the chair I was sitting in, the one-bedroom apartment looking out at the beach looking at the sundown of the ocean, and I couldn’t believe it. I was thrown for a minute. I thought, “Wait a minute.” Because on the front page, it said “The Adventures of Luke Starkiller.” [Lucas soon changed the last name.] I said, “Wait a second. I thought I was Luke. Oh, Harrison must have been Luke.” I started reading it and then I got to where they’re describing me and I said, “Wait a second. I’m Luke!” I didn’t think I was the star of the movie, I thought it was just from my point of view.

This is the sweetest thing

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thisisacoolusernamestfu:

whenvesselruled:

My uncle once won first place in a lying contest, and I feel like this is a rare true story that needs to be told. So here it is.

My family, for as long as I can remember, has had these “adopted uncles” who are my mom and dad’s friends from college/highschool. There’s like five of them, and none of them are related to us. They are awesome, fun guys, and I’m best friends with their daughters (of the ones that have kids). I love hanging out with them, and when I do, I hear lots of hilarious stories that they and my Dad love to recollect whenever they’re together.

My uncles are interesting guys, and there are a lot of interesting stories. One of them is part of Switchfoot, one of them hung out with Taylor Swift on several occasions, and one worked on the Power Rangers. It’s all very interesting. But I think one of the funniest stories they’ve told me, far from meeting celebrities, or getting lost in the woods, or luring bears into their campsite (yep, they did that) is how one of them (let’s call him S) won a lying contest. This is how it went:

S and my dad, and some of his friends decided to go up into the mountains for a day. They drove up the winding roads, pine trees flashing past their windows, singing to Tom Petty the whole way. My dad and S have a great sense of humor, and I’m sure they were both in a laughable mood.

When they got to their destination, they saw a large banner over the road that read “Annual Lying Contest.” I kid you not. This little town in the piney mountains was so devoid of excitement that they legiterally hosted a Lying Contest every year.

My dad and S thought this was the FUNNIEST thing they had ever seen. They HAD to go watch the contest take place. They pulled into the parking lot, found their way to the stage, and asked someone about what was happening.

Apparently, the lying contest is an annual contest put on by the city, to see who had the most believable lie. Contestants would spend months coming up with elaborate lies, that were sure to convince people in the crowd. At the end, the judges would rank the lies on most convincing to least convincing. The winner of the contest recieved a home baked pie, and some other prize. Some of these lies could take fifteen minutes or more (remember this).

So anyways, S and my dad found a seat, and were ready to hear some lies. Later, my dad told me that it was hilarious to watch. There were lies about Bigfoot sightings, about bear wrestlings, army experiences, ghost hauntings, and more. My dad and S were cracking up the whole time, while marveling at how unique the demographic of the town was to enjoy something like this.

Finally, the last contestant stepped down from the stage after a 20 minute elaborate lie about an alien abduction. The judges took a sweeping look over the crowd, and spoke loudly into the microphone; “are there any other contestants?”

Before my dad could stop him, S stood up and raised his hand.

“Well, come up sir!” 

S climbed the steps to the stage. He looked over the crowd seriously, and desperately tried to come up with a lie in time. His mind was blank. Empty. But S had no shame, and I’ve known him long enough to know this was 100% something he would do. The man throws himself into every awkward situation ever.

He took a step towards the microphone. His hands were clasped in front of him. He looked around at the people watching, the trees surrounding them, and said in his most serious voice into the mic;

“I was born a fish.”

That was it. The audience lost it. There was no build up, no elaborate detail, no story behind the lie. Just 1 ½ seconds, and he had told his entire lie. It was hilariously short, and there was no plot holes, or inconsistencies. Just purely, seriously, “I was born a fish.”

S left the stage in the midst of roaring laughter, as the audience, judges, and my dad tried to contain themselves. It was one of his proudest moments, that one second lie.

And guess what? He won first place.

First. Place.

A true inspiration, imo.

This is very inspirational.

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botanyshitposts:

whats up lads i stayed up until 4am last night reading about aloe vera processing here are some of the highlights: 

-widespread aloe vera fraud tarnishing the good name of the aloe vera industry 

-nobody knows the exact details of what makes aloe vera do the healing thing so regulating quality control was just straight up impossible until an international aloe vera counsel was formed to decide what Good Aloe Vera was 

-the national aloe vera counsel still not knowing what makes aloe vera do the healing thing, setting them out on a quest to find, approximately, a scientific way to say ‘you need to preserve SOMETHING from the original leaf my god you people are ANIMALS’

-the ‘gel’ part of aloe vera gel being a disputed term in the aloe vera industry, eventually they settle on what gel is and what “”””””gel”””””” is

-the mysterious bacteria that lives inside the aloe vera leaf rind thats adapted very specifically to eat sugars provided by the plant and live in it’s very specific low PH environment, is suspected to be a unique new species but exactly what it is is unknown outside of a general taxonomic family, only shows up in very small colonies in very specific petri dish media, authors of book im reading conclude section by saying ‘yea man u gotta watch for that……its really hard to get rid of its just…..too goddamn good at aloe vera….’ 

-there are two ways of removing the gel from the insides of the harvested whole leaves, which then can be refined into a better product. one is having people on an assembly line neatly hand-cut away the outer leaf, leaving floppy translucent ‘fillets’ (actually what theyre called) of the inner part of the leaf with the gel; the other is putting the full ass leaf through a grinder into a substance consistently referred to in one source as ‘guacamole’ 

-guess what its been 20 years and science is still not quite sure exactly what makes aloe vera do the healing thing, aloe vera counsel is pretty sure a few very specific sugars and ions have a lot to do with it, general advice is that more of these are better and ‘you need to preserve SOMETHING from the original leaf oh my god you people are ANIMALS’

-freeze dried aloe vera. very high end. especially if its made from fillets instead of guacamole

-aloe vera counsel advises industry that they should stop labelling concentrated aloe vera with ‘100X’ ‘20X’ ‘5X’ and instead just put how fucking concentrated it is like is done in the food and pharmaceutical industries bc apparently in the aloe vera industry ‘X’ refers to ‘0.5 g/dl aloe vera solids’ so when people buying aloe vera in bulk for shit purchase ‘100X’ aloe vera thinking that it means ‘100% aloe vera’ it actually means ‘only half of this is actually aloe vera solids lmao’ 

-aloe vera counsel warns industry for the thousandth time that the world will never take them seriously at this rate

-apparently aloe vera leaf gel oxidizes at a very fast rate in it’s crude form and will turn like….red and black and shit if you dont process it right and the more oxidized it becomes the less biologically active it is so its work fast or eat ass

-the shit they sell in stores is only the second end product out of three stages of the process. aloe vera’s final form is purchased for cosmetics and pharmaceuticals and looks like a fine brown/black powder

-of course there was also widespread fraud in aloe vera’s final form a decade back that necessitated Actual Court Cases, aloe vera counsel is sincerely, actually trying their best here

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sookies:

lorelai + answering machine greetings

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crooked-fingers:

crooked-fingers:

crooked-fingers:

crooked-fingers:

dawnstar137:

crooked-fingers:

I’ve been scamming the Dominos app promotion where you take a picture of any pizza for free points. For three weeks in row, not only has their shitty camera always interpreted any photo of my cat as pizza, I always tell them it was “the worst I’ve ever had” and “made at home”.

Excuse me @crooked-fingers may i see a picture of your cat plz? This sounds genuinely awesome.

And I just love cats

Here he is, the Pizza Boy

And so it continues

Mmmm, another week, another delicious pizza.

That’s all, folks. Six cat pictures within six weeks, and for a total of 60 Dominos points, redeemable for a medium 2-topping pizza of my choosing. I will be getting pepperoni and chicken, mine and Charlie’s respective favorites. He will be given many tiny pieces of chicken for being a perfect little model pizza boy, and also for aiding me in tricking a multimillion dollar company into giving me free food. Thanks for giving him the love and attention you all have given this post! He’s gonna try to stay humble.

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regularlesbian:

tilthat:

TIL “You are a thief and a murderer: you have killed a baboon and stolen his face” was a common insult in the 18th century

via reddit.com

when lifespans were lower you had much less time to release all the hatred in your heart so you had to make each expression of loathing count

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swimthroughthefires:

jackpearcsn:

Black Panther (2018) | dir. Ryan Coogler

#black panther#i just LOVED KILLMONGER’S TAKEOVER of the nation so intensely?  SO INTENSELY????#for the REALLY DEEP dramatic EMPIRE VIBES that it gave off…ESPECIALLY to an audience#that has been raised on a diet of genre fiction and high fantasy#it was so DEEPLY CLASSICAL in nature???? the young brazen bastard son comes swaggering back into the palace to demand his birthright#he is strong and scarred and full of this terrible unquenchable rage that springs from abandonement and the life of an outsider#and he STANDS OVER THE BODY of his mirror image and screams ‘IS THIS YOUR KING?’ and literally casts him aside#in the eyes of all the council in the eyes of his family and his lover#AND THEN. ONE OF MY FAVORITE HORRIBLE THINGs it is just so DEEPLY CLASSICALLY SHAKESPEAREAN EMPIRE-BUILDING#the old queen mother and the princess are forced to flee the country with a few loyal supporters#the brave general and the army are forced to stay with the new king and uphold the order#BUT… THEREI S WHISPERING. literal actual whispering in the halls of the palace and just the PHRASE#‘whispersi n the halls of the palace’#THESE SCENES. this narrative trope! do you UNDERSTAND how DEEPLY that taps into my fictional foundation - the intrigue and the fear?#this entire movie plucks such ancient and deeply felt threads but the COMMITMENT TO AFROFUTURISM AT THE SAME TIME like#bruh i really liked killmonger’s takeover scenes is what i’m saying @takiki16

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kyraneko:

saywhatjessie:

shedoesnotcomprehend:

One of the most bizarrely cool people I’ve ever met was an oral surgeon who treated me after a ridiculous accident (that’s another story), Dr. Z.


Dr. Z. was, easily, the best and most competent doctor or dentist I’ve ever encountered – and after that accident, I encountered quite a number. He came stunningly highly recommended, had an excellent record, and the most calming bedside manner I’ve ever seen.

That last wasn’t the sweet gentle caretaking sort of manner, which some nurses have but you wouldn’t expect to see in a surgeon. No; when Dr. Z. told me that one of my broken molars was too badly damaged to save, and I (being seventeen and still moderately in shock) broke down crying, he stared at me incredulously and said, in a tone of utter bemusement, “But – I am very good.”

I stopped crying on the spot. In the last twenty-four hours or so of one doctor after another, no one had said anything that reassuring to me. He clearly just knew his own competence so well that the idea of someone being scared anyway was literally incomprehensible to him. What more could I possibly ask for?

(He was right. The procedure was very extended, because the tooth that needed to be removed was in bits, but there was zero pain at any point. And, as he promised, my teeth were so close together that they shifted to fill the gap to where there genuinely is none anymore, it’s just a little easier to floss on that side.)


But Dr. Z.’s insane competence wasn’t just limited to oral surgery.

When I met Dr. Z., he, like most doctors I’ve had, asked me if I was in college, and where, and what I was studying. When I say “math,” most doctors respond with “oh, wow, good for you” or possibly “what do you want to do with that after college?”

Dr. Z. wanted to know what kind of math.

I gave him the thirty-second layman’s summary that I give people who are foolish enough to ask that. He responded with “oh, you mean–” and the correct technical terms. I confirmed that was indeed what I meant (and keep in mind, this was upper-division college math, you don’t take this unless you’re a math major). He asked cogent follow-up questions, and there ensued ten or so minutes of what I’d call “small talk” except for how it was an intensely technical mathematical discussion.

He didn’t, as far as I can tell, have any kind of formal math background. He just … knew stuff.


I was a competitive fencer at this point in time, so when he asked if I had any questions about the surgery that would be necessary, I asked him if I’d be okay to fence while I had my jaw wired shut, or if it would interfere with breathing.

“Fencing?” he said.

“Yes,” I said, “like swordfighting,” because this is another conversation I got to have a lot. (People assume they’ve misheard you, or occasionally they think you mean building fences.)

“Which weapon?”

“Uh. Foil.”

“No, it won’t be safe,” and he went off into an explanation of why.

Turns out, he was also a serious fencer – and, when I mentioned my fencing coach, an old friend of his. (I asked my fencing coach later, and, oh yes, Dr. Z., a good friend of mine, excellent fencer.) (My coach was French. Dr. Z. was Israeli. I never saw Dr. Z. around the club or anything. I have no idea how they knew each other.)


So this was weird enough that later, when I was home, I looked Dr. Z. up on Yelp. His reviews were stellar, of course, but that wasn’t the weird thing.

The weird thing was that the reviews were full of people – professionals in lots of different fields – saying the same thing: I went to Dr. Z. for oral surgery, and he asked me about what I did, and it turned out he knew all about my field and had a competent and educated discussion with me about the obscure technical details of such-and-such.

All sorts of different fields, saying this. Lawyers. Businessmen. Musicians.

As far as I can tell, it’s not that I just happened to be pursuing the two fields he had a serious amateur interest in – he just seemed to be extremely good at literally everything.

I have no explanation for this. Possibly he sold his soul to the devil.

He did a damn good job on my surgery.

#op your oral surgeon is an immortal

Some god is slumming it on Earth with maxed-out stats helping people and his dive bar of choice is oral surgery.

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llleighsmith:

caught the tail end of a radio commercial for a regional aquarium and it said “do it for the gelatinous zooplankton” and that’s who we’re living for today friends

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dinosauriaawesome:

midnightmindcave:

braezenkitty:

key–lime–pie:

celticpyro:

lesbianshepard:

lesbianshepard:

honey is the only food product that never spoils. there are pots of honey that are over five thousand years old and still completely edible

i also want to point out we know it tastes the same even after thousands of years b/c archaeologists who discovered two thousand year old honey tasted it. presumably right after they looked at each other and went “what the hell here goes nothing”

I’m pretty sure they also identify human remains by taste. Archaeologists are straight up freaks.

No, no no… you identify bone from rock or other substances by touching it to your tongue. If it sticks, it’s bone. The taste itself has nothing to do with it. And most archaeologists won’t lick human bones if they know they’re human.

…and I realize that doesn’t actually do much to prove archaeologists aren’t freaks.

mai nam is jane
and wen i dig
i fynde some roks
both smol and big
i put my tung
upon the stone
for science yes
i lik the bone

I’m sitting with a bunch of archaeologists and we just laughed so hard we CRIED we’re getting tshirts with this on them

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axylh:

deathcomes4u:

idiopathicsmile:

orjustbecauseyoucould:

zarekthelordofthefries:

mousathe14:

plume:

OMG everyone I know the ACTUAL story behind the gif this time!

Yes, it’s in Australia– that’s a big angry goanna that wandered into a popular restaurant. All the Australians in the vicinity went OH FUCK NO and cleared off, because goannas are mean.

The waitress you see there is a French exchange student, who was quoted as saying something to the effect of “I thought it was a weird ugly dog” and had no idea it was a reptile that wanted to rip her arms off. She’s been hailed as a hero who saved diners.

It’s amazing what power “not knowing” has.

The thing I especially love about this is this is a pretty dangerous animal, except she managed to defeat it by just fucking grabbing it by the tail and walking too quickly for it to turn around. Once again the animal kingdom is thwarted because we evolved opposable thumbs, long limbs, and reckless bravery.

weird, ugly dog thwarted by foreign exchange student and polished floors 

my take-home lesson here is that nobody in france has ever first-hand seen a dog

no no, french dogs just be like that

unrecognizable force VS ignorant object

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elionking:

brunhiddensmusings:

themerrywolf:

brunhiddensmusings:

myanacondadontexist:

kaleighbytheway:

tilthat:

TIL a 30-year-old elephant named Ben sought help at a safari lodge after being shot by poachers. The elephant waited patiently near the lodge for the 6 hours it took for a vet to fly in and dress his 3 bullet wounds.

via ift.tt

The fact he’s named kinda brushes over the fact this is a wild elephant. Born in the wild, raised in the wild, the only human interaction is watching the safaris. And after mean humans shot him, he decided the best course of action was to go visit the nice humans who just take pictures in hopes they’d help him. And then, even though they didn’t help him right away, he trusted that because they continued to be nice, he was safe, and they would help him.

also the people saw an elephant and were like “that’s a ben”

i hope he tells the other elephants where they can get help

@brunhiddensmusings

Actually, they do!

https://www.thedodo.com/elephants-travel-humans-help-1353631970.html

Orphans who were rescued, raised, and released by the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Kenya have communicated that it is a place of safety to other elephants who’ve never even been there.

Injured animals will show up there when they have been harmed by poachers because they know it is a place where they can get help!

i am very glad elephants have a functioning yelp system

“Took a little while to get served the quality of service made up for it. 4/5 stars. Would reccomend”

-Ben the Elephant

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