The advice I need: how to strengthen my willpower, make better use of my time, transform myself into a person I want to be and stop being such a useless bitch, or at least take small incremental steps toward achieving that.
The advice I get: you’re not a useless bitch, sweetie, what you’re experiencing is called “useless bitchitude”, and it’s a symptom of Useless Bitch Disease. None of this is your fault, you shouldn’t judge yourself just because you consistently sabotage your life and often sabotage the lives of those around you. No, you should love yourself and be proud! Wanting to pursue the trappings of normality like “a job” or “a home” or “a relationship where you’re not a burden” is a sign of internalized ableism. Love yourself and lower your expectations! Once you accept that failing at the simplest tasks and then crying an hour is an integral and unchangeable part of your personality, you will see how lovely and special it makes you! You were born this way, you see: some people are just born to live their lives out in squalor and misery!
So first off: if you have adhd, there are meds for that. I live in a house with three adhd peeps and when they take their pills, they are pretty functional. When they don’t, I usually can’t get them to focus on anything. So getting diagnosed and medicated is a big major step. I have depression and anxiety. Being medicated takes me from “barely being able to feed myself” to “organizing and cleaning a house, pay my bills, learning to code and design my own videogame, exercising daily, and thinking of getting another part time job(I work 20 hours a week currently)”. So, I highly recommend getting medicated, though finding the right meds is a trial of its own.
I’m going to ignore the negative self talk because other reblogs cover that topic. So let’s talk about physical steps you can take to be a more effective person.
Sick people are not effective people. If you aren’t getting food regularly or sleeping regularly, this can majorly screw up your ability to do things. I set up alarms and create routine so that I wake up at a regular time everyday, eat, and don’t forget to keep eating. So, I have a morning alarm(wake up, get dressed, make breakfast, take pills), an afternoon alarm(lunch), (dinner I am usually good about so no alarm) and two evening alarms; one to remind me to take my evening pills, another to remind me it is late and I need to get the fuck to bed now. You can set up alarms on phones and computers pretty easily and usually pick sounds for them. These alarms keep my life regular and in order for maximum effectiveness. If you have any difficulty eating or sleeping regularly, this is an easy and effective method to get yourself on track.
Nutrition. Don’t listen to fad diet things, but things like anemia or vitamin deficiency can make you fatigued, unfocused and generally in poor condition. Ifn you go to a doc(recommended) for low energy or depression or fatigue, they will often take a blood test to make sure you aren’t being ailed by a deficiency. I moved up north where getting enough sun to process vit d is hard, so I take supplements now because my levels were low when I went to see a doctor for help.
Exercise. I hate it so much you don’t even know. But it legitimately helps if you are suffering from low energy, depression, or low stamina. It is really hard to do, so the best way to actually get yourself to do it is find a method that appeals to you. Do you like parks? Small walk is a great start. Can you set up an exercise bike/treadmill by a tv so can get some movement while you watch something you like? Dancing games are great for some people. Some people work really well with social support, so finding friends to join you works for some people. What works for me is wiifit. I like the focus I get while aiming for a goal or overcoming a challenge that is also fun. I intermixed the balance games with some more generic exercises(that I still get focused on cuz they assess your balance and I just really like to win okay) that the game provides. It took me years to find wiifit and try a dozen different methods of exercising that didn’t work for me. There is no one size fits all.
Mental health. Knowing nothing about you I would say you probably have depression. You might not. I’m not a therapist and I will not presume to know what all happens in your brain. But, there are doctors for that. You can tell your regular doctor that you are concerned you might have depression and they have little questionnaires you can fill out to help find out! And in most cases, your regular doctor can help you with medication, though sometimes a psych is necessary if you need more complex medication help. Therapists can be used to help debug your brain, but they are also good for being an ear to listen, to help you make goals and keep you accountable to them(this would tie into you wanting to develop willpower btw), and be an external source to get perspective on things.
Environment. A surprisingly sneaky culprit to poor health. Poor light, mold, noise, lonliness, temperature irregularities, and just living some where that looks like a mess can all effect your health and your effectiveness. Poor air quality can make you prone to being sick, make you sick longer, and just generally lower your energy. Light effects your sleep and your vit d so it is important to get enough, but also have an adequately dark place for sleeping. Living with other people is often a necessity, and you don’t always get to choose who you live with. You can’t always change this, but being aware who and how(make too much noise, negative, conflicting brainbugs, not social enough ect) can help you figure out steps to personalize your small area and how you want your life to run to decrease negative impacts from the people around you. Being too hot makes people irritable have difficulty focusing. Being too cold makes people lethargic and your body spends energy trying to keep you warm. Being in a messy environment can make people distracted, overwhelmed, or even just plain unhappy. I am a very visual person and I need my environement to be pretty and organized to make me a happier and calmer person. Not everyone experiences this, but it does affect most people to some degree.
2. Problem solving
One of the key skills to making yourself a better person is being able to problem solve! So for example, you can’t get yourself to do the laundry. You want to do the laundry, but it just won’t happen. First thing you do is listen to yourself. What words and experiences come to mind? Is it because laundry is heavy? Does it smell? Do you have to travel far? Do dirty things feel gross? Does it feel like a wasted effort? Does bending to pick up clothes hurt? Do you get distracted in the middle of the process? It takes practice to listen and hear what your brain and body are telling you, but once you can hear the problem, you can start making solutions. You can line your hamper with scented trashbags to help with the smell, or break down the journey into shorter stopping points that are easier to manage. There are devices to help reach for things so you don’t have to bend, or you can put the hamper on a stool so it is easier to reach. There are a million problems that could be stopping your brain and I can’t possibly list or solve them all, but being able to solve for the problems increases your efficiency and effectiveness as a person.
And you might think to yourself “okay but what if I just did the thing instead”, well, if you aren’t successfully doing the thing, then that method isn’t very effective, is it? If you want to be an effective person, then you need to listen to your brain when it says there is a problem. Sometimes brains just need to be listened to, and after it whines that the color of your sheets are terrible and you can’t sleep on them, you can tell it “you are right brain, but I can’t fix that right now” and you can resume your action. Sometimes brains are telling you that no, actually, right now you can’t do the thing because x. Sometimes x is temporary(maybe a stressy day), sometimes x is more long term( it hurts when bending over), but that doesn’t make the reason less legitimate. So, listen to your brain. Solve where you can, listen and acknowledge when you can’t. Ask roommates or friends to help you solve problems or deal with steps you can’t do. Learn to work with yourself instead of against yourself, and you will get far.
Was having this conversation with a friend recently, because he wanted advice on Not Feeling Things. And was frustrated that people always gave advice on dealing with the feeling, but he wanted to not have it.