“It’s okay if I take a break I’m fine When I’m unsure if I’m doing fine I reassure myself I’m fine, I’m fine I doubt the path that I’m walking on sometimes The place I want to be Am I heading towards it? These things I’m saying and these things I’m doing How are they being perceived by others? I have a lot of thoughts, The days feel shorter I comfort myself with a long sigh For what I am living for? Up until now Am I living for myself now? I don’t know since when I became so afraid to take a break My confidence hit rock bottom As I envy others who are doing well I’ve never looked at the sky I don’t even have the time to pay attention to my surroundings But I know it’s all my excuse I miss the old days This song is my gift to myself And I hope it can be a gift to everyone listening to it as well Before the sun rises again tomorrow, I just want to say You’re doing okay When I walk again, when I run again What happened in the past, I still can’t shake it off It’s okay if I take a break I’m fine When I’m unsure if I’m doing fine I reassure myself I’m fine, I’m fine”
— The song that has perfectly defined my first real year of adulting post-graduation // I’m fine - Gray (with Sleepy x Loco x Hoody)
What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.
You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself
but you killed everyone else around you too.
People live in denial for a lot of things
Acceptance is the last step of dealing with grief
But this last step has always been my first one
I have never had a doubt that you loved me
I knew you didn’t
And I had accepted it before even falling for you
But now I seem to go in reverse
i was depressed for a while
I started bargaining with destiny
And I am angry at myself for not being able to move on
I hope I don’t go in denial about the truth
But grief is also love, and for that reason it has a right to exist and be felt. It is the debt we owe our memories.
It is the final way we love someone.
So please don’t make a fool out of me or find pleasure in the thought of me burning for you, because when I say I’ll do anything… I mean it.
You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go.
You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate to leave. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it now, you’re gonna look down on yourself even more, forever. You’re going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know… until later on. Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera, along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope… you’re gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan, while the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears, you know it’s for real this time. You can feel it. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words.
“Mom and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry, but I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself and I seem to not find my way back. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both, please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong, and stay save. I’ll see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be there for him anymore especially when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of… even yourself. You’re sorry for not being strong anymore. You’re sorry for breaking down. You’re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand. Your pointer finger on the off button already. You clicked that button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair… the chair is on the floor… the room is filled with silence. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain anymore… but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only likes you asa friend. You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew you’re the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home now. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do whenever they get home…. but something’s different. You don’t answer. They don’t hear your voice. They get worried… you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little sister comes up after her. She screams “DADDY HELP!!!!” She runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”.
But you don’t answer, you’re not waking up.
You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no waking up.There’s no going back.
Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He’s stiff as a board. He cries…. Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words “My daughter committed suicide” out of his mouth. He’s in tears. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your daddy’s arms, crying harder than ever. She’s too young to understand completely, but she knows you’re gone. She knows you’re dead. There is no going back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the living room. They take your body down off those ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go… just like that.
You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Nothing is the same.
Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasn’t returned to school. Your dad is forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don’t even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat… like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut. Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. The girl that said no to being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault you died. The boy that tripped you by accident and didn’t say sorry, yeah he’s in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn’t give that to you. The teacher that was hard on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasn’t suited to teach anymore.
You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back.
4 years have passed. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club in her school dedicated to you. “Secrets” is what he calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so “happy” and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, it hit your limits. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in the right direction. Your best friend is still torn up. Your school now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same mistake you did.
Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that’s all you needed. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. You were just way too upset to see that. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. Your town will never be the same. A girl is gone, a special girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared.
Keep your faith on God, my love. Pray. Read the bible. It helps a lot. I promise. You’ll be okay. :)