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ahh, midnight

I rarely stay awake at midnight unless its work that’s keeping me up. Thoughts are rushing and drowning me more than it usually do.

My mind is filled with a lot of thoughts and I cannot quite fathom them clearly. Am I sad? Am I nostalgic? I don’t know. Looking back, I used to have a lot of friends. I got them, they got me. But as time passed, I lost those friends. Either they drifted away from me, stabbed me in the back, or the friendship just got toxic for my mental health that I have to cut them off.

Maybe its me? I don’t know.

Maybe I just want to feel that someone is afraid to lose me, I guess.

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2/19/2020. Morning

Can somebody tell me WHY the AAA insurance office smells just like Seth????????? Like bam as soon as I walked in that’s his smell. As far as I can tell he nor his dad are here 😂😂

My son is watching grandma for me so I can go and price new auto insurance, him and I together so he can get his license here soon. Eleven more days and he’s an adult. Usually ten but it’s a leap year 😂😂 I’m so very nervous on how much this costs but he makes some decent money so hopefully it’ll not give me a heart attack.

Today is D’s birthday and I been waiting for it to come to wish him a happy birthday. His post today included some things about last year being really hard and that he’d fill in people close to him soon… hmm. I sent him a graphic I thought he’d like and also complimented his latest art that he’d posted. There was one specifically that was like wow. I said in lue of liking them I’m telling you here in DM lol. Later he replied with a thank you and that it would be ok to like this posts if I wanted to. I was like HMMMM what?? But I didn’t ask him I just said I’m always trying to avoid causing him problems but still cheering quietly over here. But it has me thinking did D and his wife separate again? Permanently possibly? Did something happen? Of course I want to know but I want to respect his business. He liked the response and never replied… being his bday he was probably busy. Like I always said if it’s meant to be and he’s meant to be in my life again it will fall into place. But that made me kinda excited.

I’ve been dreaming about Seth but I only remember pieces. Small pieces. I had been looking through my pics on my phone and it’s our whole relationship on there in the midst of other things. All of it. And I started to remember things and started to feel some hurt about it but HIS hurt. Like the first thought that maybe this didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to either. Well WHY did he have to drop everything and go see the Hungarian bitch???? I felt his distance before that and then I told him clearly plain as day that if he went then we were done. And why it bothered me so much. And he went still. He went for a whole entire week and never, EVER spoke to me again.

Yesterday looking for insurance for me and my son sucked serious dick. Like just him on as an extra driver on my car, which is not a fancy nice car or anything, is anywhere between 250 to 300 a month. A MONTH!! To me that’s a HUGE expense. Like huge. Yes he will be paying for it but if he weren’t able to then I’d have to pick it up. And then when you add that to any car payment he may have, plus gas, plus everything else that goes wrong and regular maintenance and that’s sooooo much money just to drive. Like so much money!!! And I bitch about paying 100 some bucks a month for myself, which still seems too much to me when I’ve got a clean record over 20 years long. With rent being astronomical and everything else it’s no wonder why young people can’t make any sort of progress in their lives. Especially as the add student debt to that. Things have been fucked up for MY generation from the start but I don’t see any sort of improvement what so ever. All I see is things getting worse.

Which was my mood almost all yesterday. So much negative in the world and me being a die hard Bernie Sanders supporter is making me even angrier at the world. I expect the republican and conservative talking points, the hysteria of the uneducated and simple minded when it comes to anything at all they deem as “socialism” or, interchangeably, “communism,” but what I didn’t expect was so much hate and misinformation from the blue side. Especially in a time when we must stick together. I am a Bernie supporter but I’m blue no matter what at this current point in time. I am not what they keep calling “Bernie bro’s” it bull shit I’m positive is only partially rooted in reality. The blue side acts like we’re not actively being the subject of targeted ads and such, instead of using some common sense they run with it the same as the red.

I’m not saying everyone has to be a Bernie supporter. You may have your reasons you think somebody else would be better suited, and that is fine. But if you’re really out to do the things the blue wants to do then you can’t be anti Bernie either. Not at any point in time anymore because his following is undeniable. The things he wants are not communism, he’s not guaranteed to fail, Trump does not have the lead against him as he constantly pretends to have. To be a democrat and tote any of those reasons to me is just falling in line with republican talking points. And I turn on the news and read all these articles about how the DNC will stop Bernie. Why?? If the people WANT Bernie then y’all need to fall in line and support and learn what he’s saying. To shut down the fucking socialist talk and understand universal health care and his programs and explain them. At this point in time it’s too early to say Bernie is going to win, to have to take up his cause, but to be ANTI Bernie is to shoot our own selves in the foot. Because you keep with these arguments and he becomes the nominee then everything you said is already ringing out there to some who may be persuaded.

As much of a Bernie fan that I am I am not anti anyone else. There are the ones I prefer above others but any person up there can do a good job. I keep my criticisms factual things as opposed to gop narrative, because of what I said before; any could be the nominee and I’m not going to fuck their chances. Any will have my vote in the general. And all of them will receive insults of unimaginable proportions from Trump, Russia and who knows who else. It’s an uphill battle for any of them and we shouldn’t fuck it up.

But all I’m seeing is that and from people I “respect.” Well I’m gonna just have to accept that if we screw it up we, again, get what we deserve. If we continue with the same population of uninterested people or people who think “it doesn’t matter” or don’t bother to dig past headlines or whatever then we deserve to lose our democracy, which is actively happening as we speak.

So there’s that and I was upset all day with this.

And I was stuck with grandma extra time again and had to take her to the doctor but all I wanted to do was get my housing recertification taken care of and turn it in, already late as it was due Tuesday and I thought it was Wednesday. I finally got what I thought I needed, Francisco’s check stubs, and then the rabies vaccination proof for the dog and went to make copies and made it just in time to turn it in. But then I realized they still shorted Francisco one of his checks. And because he was in Mexico he missed a whole entire pay period so the lady was like well I need PROOF he didn’t get a check then nor work so now we have to go ask them for that. And they also ask us to turn in SIX months of your bank statements, which are anywhere between two to four pages, front and back. Only on back of the first page there is always a sheet with no personal Information it’s just a spreadsheet you can use to do who knows what, so after awhile I stopped copying that side. It’s expensive to copy now!! Like to do double sided was 28 cents a copy! And with six months of statements for myself, my son, plus everything else they asked for cost me like 23 bucks!!!!!! And now I need even MORE copies and MORE information. And I’m angry about it because of how much I hate where I live and how they neglect their tenants and don’t even bother to enforce their strict rules and then they be impatient and knit picky with me. FUCK THAT. Unfortunately I don’t have the leisure to forget for long, but for awhile yes. After all it takes them like two years to evict blatantly obvious breaks of the lease so it will probably take them at least that long to evict me for being late on a million copies.

I was so angry when I got home but bam my parents come over and they are trying to get Francisco a car… which makes null and void all the efforts to find new insurance. On the positive they want to add him to their insurance and throw me off… more expensive for me personally (not too bad) and more savings for my son as my parents have lotsa deductions they take.

Avondre came home early and everyone was kinda revved up and we actually had a decent evening.

ic_web Created with Sketch. sleepybluehaze
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Ok so, two days nya na akong di pinapansin. I have no idea why. He outright ignores my existence. Seenzones my messages. Di ko maintindihan.

Naiiyak ako kanina. Inaamin ko. Hangin na nga ako dito sa dorm, tas di na ako kinakausap/nilalapitan ni Alen kasi nagseselos si Kervy sakin tas OP ako kina Micah, Mela at Fatima dahil lagi sila magkakasama tas ngayon naman di ako pinapansin ni Carl. Sa gabi lang ako di hangin, pag magkasama na kami ni Yosef.

(Sinabi ko lahat to kay Yosef kanina, tumawa lang sya gago yon)

Tinanong ko siya kung bakit sya galit. Seen lang. Di ako nireplyan. Ni reacts wala. Fuck. Ano ba to? Anong ginawa ko? Out of nowhere naman? Bakit? Di ko maintindihan.

ic_web Created with Sketch. thybeautifulfears
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Hi, been not myself these past few days. But I’m trying to find out what the hell is wrong with me. Until then please don’t give up on me, people 😊❤️

ic_web Created with Sketch. kimblurie
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Something Corny

As I sit across my fiancee who is systematically puzzling working on her 1000 pieced puzzle, I’m in awe. I can’t believe that 6 years ago in 2014, I met this woman through this very app and now she sits in front of me within arms reach. Annnnnnd I will be marrying this woman in 102 days!? Like how mind blowing and amazing is that!? We have lived together for 4-5 years now and I still like to think about the beginning of us. The wonders of technology brought this woman into my life. When we initially crossed paths here, we lived over 700 miles apart and spoke to one another over this app, texting, sending videos to one another, facetiming and visiting one another every few months… Yes, that’s most gay/lesbian relationships out there but how many of those end in marriage, end in finding “the one”!? We have been engaged for over a year now, wedding planning and finishing the final touches on our wedding but I can’t help but still not believe it’s actually going to happen. 102 days from now and I’ll be married to the girl I’ve been in love with for 6 years and can’t imagine not loving for the rest of my life.

To all you cool people, waiting for love to show up for you… be patient friends, it’ll happen. Until then, enjoy life my friends, enjoy the ups and downs. Make friends, smile and enjoy you.

You are loved.

This has been my Ted Talk, thank you for listening!

ic_web Created with Sketch. annechilada
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“It’s not my fault that you’ve no friends”

He says jokingly. Well maybe he’s right, I give up so much of my time and always prioritize my schedule and try to fit everything to put him in but I guess it ain’t the same for him. Maybe I don’t need to always put him first, maybe I can still go out with my friends (whoever they are) and maybe I can still meet new friends and open myself and hang out with them. 

I think I’ve been pretty selfish with my time spent with others and myself, always trying to put him or my family first (he usually always win tho). Maybe he can be so much more independent than I thought and maybe it’s just me being sticky as usual, thinking that he needs me when it’s just really me that needs him all the time.

Where do I even start if I’ve segregated and isolated myself from all my “close friends/colleagues” and have always stuck to and relied on the old friends and then tell people that it’s “quality over quantity”? It’s true I know, but I think I’ve been using that excuse for way too long and it’s become an excuse for me being afraid to open up to new people or spending time with them for the fear of them leaving my life eventually, or not forming memorable friendships. 

I think in the end I always set my expectations too damn high, and in the end I’m still very afraid of feeling vulnerable or letting people into my life. Sometimes I think that these “close circle of friends” in my life should all the more be appreciative that I’ve let them in but clearly.. It’s just a one-sided feeling. I should learn how to express myself moreee.. And maybe stop overthinking how I need to initiate conversations or what people would think of me if I behave a certain way or speak a certain way. 

I still have more than a week to go before my 2 week MC clears halp meeeeeeee I wanna go out and workouttttttt 

ic_web Created with Sketch. l490killjoy
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Sony Technical Support, December 27th, 2013

Dear Diary,

Mom calls cause her tv is broken and her 2,5 year old child has nothing to do. Which means mommy can’t drop her child in front of the tv and has to get creative and active…..

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January 9th, 2014

Dear Diary,

Ruwe Jobs

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January 25th, 2014

Dear Diary,



ic_web Created with Sketch. raimonsibilo-deardiary
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2/16/2020 Sunday

Blah it’s Sunday and here I am taking care of grandma on my day off since mom and my sister went to look, yet again, for wedding dresses. I wish I was at home chillin but oh well. I have to watch her all day.

The rest of valentines was mediocre. I was supposed to go to clean but I was so upset with the doctor appointment and my whole body ached sooooooooo bad. Worse day in a long time. I was an emotional mess. I told her my appointment went way later than it actually did. Later she sent me a text about Tuesday and I can tell she’s getting impatient with me I need to get my life together. I admit it’s really hard to keep up with everything on my plate. Having Avondre working at night fucks with me too. Playing wifey is a lot to adapt to again also.

Avondre and I went to Chinese food, which was great, for lunch. I had to pick up mariana and make sure grandma got dinner and her night meds and such. We got drinks and hung out and exchanged gifts. I got him a new pipe, two shirts, a pack of lighters, candy and a tray to roll blunts on. I decorated the tray with stickers and his name. He liked it all a lot. It was funny we both chose the same gift bag for each other. He got me three shirts and a sweater… but a sweater not like a sweatshirt. I felt bad because all of the shirts were very ugly to me, not at all my style. Kinda old lady style. And I despise sweaters just cause I don’t like the way they feel. This one actually was soft though. I tried them on and they all fit but I don’t look cute at all. He also got me a stuffed Mickey but it’s not soft. A coffee mug and smaller stuffed animal and a box of chocolates.

Don’t get me wrong I appreciated it and I know he put a lot of effort into it. But my biggest advice for most dudes is not to buy your women clothes unless they specifically point out which ones they want. I mean sweatshirts, pajamas, underwear… those are exceptions for the most part. I think he thought my like was genuine lol. I do appreciate the effort.

The whole day I was kinda paranoid checking if Seth was going anywhere or if anyone was coming to him. I didn’t see him go anywhere or anyone come to see him. And as far as I could tell he didn’t do any of those things. I saw him go somewhere a couple hours Saturday but that was all. Good. I don’t want him to be happy with any other bitch. Let his valentine be an email or phone call cause that’s what he wanted. He wanted Hungary bitch more than me.

I dreamt about him all that night and even some last night. Valentine’s Day night I remember seeing his car covered with hearts and candy left on his porch. Every dream I have is always me looking over there from my window or sometimes in front of the house. I can’t clearly remember last nights dream but it was different than the usual. I wonder if I’m on Seth’s mind at all. The weirdest thing yesterday is I went to get in my car and breathed in and I got a wiff of Seth’s smell. You know everyone has their own smell and it was his. I hate missing him and even more cause I gotta do it in secret and I’m pretty sure he didn’t even care for me at all anyways.

Kids are off this coming week which is cool cause I don’t have to wake up early and take them so I can sleep in most days. Except the ones she goes to daycare. Avondre is supposed to start working 3-11pm which sucks but not as bad as the 1130-730. We will at least be on the same sleep schedule.

Yesterday we went to my god sons 18th birthday party and it was pretty fun. It is so crazy that our boys are so old now. Today is actually my due date with him although he wasn’t born until the first.

ic_web Created with Sketch. sleepybluehaze
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I can’t lie, I have truly missed Tumblr! It was where everything started for me online basically. I had so much fun when I was first super into Tumblr.. meeting new people and ultimately meeting my Fiancée. Perhaps that’s why I hopped off along with the fact that other forms of social media became more and more popular but I gotta say, I miss my baby - Tumblr! To anyone out there reading this that follows me let’s chat! I miss talking with people and meeting new people. We have so much we can talk about! Tell me about your lives, tell me about your likes and dislikes. I love meeting new people. That was initially the sole reason I had started Tumblr in the first place so hopefully I can continue with that again. To anyone out there still hanging out in the Tumblr verse, hit a girl up! :)

ic_web Created with Sketch. annechilada
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things i want to say - part. 1

things i want to say – part. 1

We distance ourselves, intentionally or not, and expect friends to message us with ‘hope you’re okay.’ But what if those friends are going through their own stuff too? What if they’ve got other priorities they need to be focusing on? Don’t make them feel guilty for not checking in on you. What if those friends have toyed with the idea of messaging you a thousand times but think you’re…

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Guten Abend,

Bin gerade von einer Freundin endlich heim gekommen

Es war sooo schwer nichts zu essen bei ihr !

Aber ich hab’s geschafft

Heute ist ein schlechter Tag ich habe so viel Hunger meine mum hat mir sogar einen herz Kuchen zum valentinstag gemacht den ich nicht essen konnte ich hoffe sie ist nicht allzu traurig

Ich habe heute 313kcal gegessen

Fühle mich so sooo schlecht deswegen !

Ich hatte einen Smoothie aus etwas soya Milch,Orangensaft & Banane heute früh

Dann zum Mittag 2 Knäckebrote mit gesalzener Magarine und brustfilet Scheiben & dazu etwas soya Milch in einer Tasse warm gemacht

Zum Abend hatte ich etwas graupentopf

Ich hoffe morgen habe ich mich wieder etwas mehr Unter Kontrolle und schaffe es vielleicht zu fasten :)

Bis morgen,schlaft gut 🤗

ic_web Created with Sketch. justskinnyispretty
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7 mins til it’s done

Flowers, Teddy bears and roses everywhere

Couples dining in their fancy wear

Heart that signifies love

Peace is represented by dove

Holding hands, fingers intertwined

Our past remained unrewind

I wish to celebrate this valentines

But without you its a waste of time

ic_web Created with Sketch. kimblurie
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Guten Morgen ☀️

Habe total vergessen gestern noch ein Food Post zu machen von meinem Essen

Also gestern morgen hatte ich ein trockenes Knäckebrot und ein bisschen Mango das hatte zusammen 66kcal

Am Mittag hatte ich dann 150gramm buttergemüse

Bereue es irgendwie gegessen zu haben obwohl es nicht viel war 🙁

Muss jetzt gleich zu einem berufskolleg meine Bewerbung abgeben wollte heute warscheinlich wieder fasten

Jeden 2 Tag fasten

Das zahlt sich doch bestimmt am Ende aus !

Bis nachher 😊

ic_web Created with Sketch. justskinnyispretty
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i mean he’s just looking out for me 

ic_web Created with Sketch. trashedpunk
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ic_web Created with Sketch. trashedpunk
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Dear diary,

Hari ini aku menyesal, atas meluapnya emosiku kemarin.
Kau tahu, sakit rasanya. Dipandang rendah atas congaknya dunia.
Marah rasanya. Saat usaha maksimalku dianggap sia.
Dan hari ini, aku hanya bisa mohon ampun kepadaMu. Atas kesal yang aku salahkan pada takdir.
Semoga esok, takdir baik berkenan hadir.
ic_web Created with Sketch. heraardyanti
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the internet lied to me

I mean, just like it lied to everyone our age

The internet told me love is supposed to be messy, not hard but messy

Like if it didn’t make me crazy it wasn’t real

Or if you weren’t staying up all night because your person wasn’t texting you back, you didn’t care

But now it’s 11:27pm and we’re falling asleep because we’re fucking tired

And the other night you went out with your friends and I said “have fun”; and I meant it (because you deserve some fun after a long week)

The internet made me think I was settling for a boring love

But now I know that true love is calm

Idk I gues the internet scares me,

but our love brings me peace

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#Repost @ariecan_productions with @get_repost
#repost @actorrogerclewis
Shout out to @dakari16 @ariesforlife for the awesome red carpet premiere this past Saturday. The fashion of the premiere was stellar. Looking forward to the future of new series called #friends if you are already familiar with #chapter2thewebseries , stay tuned for there new series called #friends & #deardiary 🍻 #actorrogerclewis (at Baltimore, Md 21201)

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