I was at DigifestLA on Saturday. The night before, I spent over nine hours working on a swag bag for you because I knew that I wouldn’t have enough time to talk to you. In fact, I probably got about less than a minute of interaction with you, but ill honestly remember it forever. In that letter, I wrote a lot of things but I also left a lot of things out. I told you that I have anxiety and depression, but I didn’t exactly explain what that meant. It means that about every day I hit a wall where the idea of moving or doing something, interacting with people, doing homework, going to school, all of it is unbearably hard for me to do. It means that I cry over a lot of stupid things like not finding a parking spot, not liking what I’m wearing, having to wake up in the morning, etc. It means that I get these thoughts in my head that I bug people when I talk to them, and I instantly regret everything the second I do it, and I just get these negative thoughts that run through my mind and I can’t make it stop. And when I get upset I want to hurt myself. I’ve been struggling to overcome self-injury and eating disorders for over three years, and it’s hard to stop and focus my mind on happier things. but your videos? they make me happy, they make me feel hopeful for the future, they make me feel excitement and enthusiasm and life. seeing you smile and be happy and meet other youtubers and travel around australia and tweet funny things like your neigbors having sex or funny conversations with tyler oakley or jack dodge or anything honestly. i wait for your videos every week, and i rewatch my favorite videos everyday because honestly it keeps me from thinking bad thoughts. it keeps me from feeling like things will get bad again. At digifest, I poured my heart out to Harrison Webb and, bless his heart, he took my tyler oakley poster and spent about an hour looking for you and finally got you to sign it. I started crying..that was probably one of the best moments I’ve had in a really long time because even if I didn’t personally ask you to sign it and even though you have no idea who you are, it gave me hope that maybe one day i’ll get to meet you. I know you live in Australia and I live in LA, but one day I want to meet you. I’m not a crazy fan, I’m not going to stalk you while youre in LA, and if I met you I wouldn’t crowd around you because I have anxiety and I’ve seen how crazy fangirls can get and how close they get. No, I don’t want to freak you out. I just want to thank you for being you, for being unshamingly hilarious and awkward and real in front of all of your viewers all the time. When I watch you, everything just stops. I stop thinking all the negative thoughts I think about myself, I don’t think about hurting myself or how lame and weird I am, and how probably no one actually likes me. You’re probably never going to see this, but I’ll keep trying because you mean so much to me.
And whoever is following me, if you could take a second and reblog this in the slim chance that he may see this, it’d mean so much to me. but if it doesn’t go with your blog style or something, i get it i guess.
P.S., in the drawing that I did of you, i spelled troyler wrong and i’m sorry